The More I Pray, The More I Drown.

If I don’t seek good things in my life who will? Why do I feel guilty for wanting great things for myself? Why do I feel like it’s a sin to want great things?

I feel like everytime I pray / ask for something great in my life I suffer more. There’s a lot I don’t understand about life but one day maybe it will make sense as I continue to search for answers.

I don’t even know if my prayers do go to my invisible Father. Maybe I just need professional help because I think a lot about life, I worry about a lot of things and I can’t help it.

I wish I had control. But what does a diary know huh.

When Doubt Visits

I’ve always seen myself as a star, I try by all means to remain positive about things because I want good things to come to me…

These days are the darkest, yes I’m eating, I breath under a roof but I’m lonely af, I lost all my friends and family when I lost my job,money and car back in 2018.

People started to show their true colours and I had to let it all be. I believe that everything happens for a reason so I try not to force anyone to stay in my life.

It hurts but I can only cry it out and move on. Now on my mission in music, I’ve been trying to reach out, getting back on social networks, following people who inspire me.

Posting my work and all, the invisibility, it’s like I don’t know anyone anymore, people have transformed or something, and I’m not good with names so I don’t remember everyone who used to be on my friends list and stuff.

I’ve been off socials for 3 years trying to deal with everything as it came and accept things I couldn’t change, I went through a lot of darkness. Now it looks like I have to start afresh and I don’t know where to begin.

Also sharing your work with artists doesn’t work if you have no public life or followers nobody notices you or even bother to listen.

So all this work ahead of me got me feeling drained and doubtful, where am I gonna get support, who cares?

What if it’s not even meant to be? But why would God give me all these ideas, whisper all these melodies in my ears and dreams, why would I write all these songs if I’m not meant to do anything with it?

Another thought kicks in, maybe it’s just not my time yet, maybe I’m not fully prepared or even ready…

Then I ask myself how would I know when the time is right?

What if I just have to reach one right person who can help me? Because I really don’t see a way out at all, it’s so blank and I’m out of patience and options.

Should I keep on trying or give up? But I love this music, it seems like love is the only thing that pushes me to keep on trying and never lose hope.

I’m trying to dig deeper and find wisdom to get me out of this situation but now I have opened a door for doubt and I don’t know what’s next, days like these make me wish I was never born.

It’s deeper than I lay it out but I will always trust in God, His will, purpose and perfect timing.

I ain’t goin down like that.

Some Of My Work On YouTube | Reflexion

I make music I enjoy myself, somethin I can listen to all night and day, I just can’t function well without music.

I love different genres and fortunately I’m able to create any music that I love and enjoy. This is the shit I’m mostly grateful for.

Wishlist #1

A Proper workstation

I want to go pro, not just make beats and write on a laptop.

I want to make music and tell my story, I have a lot of wisdom and healing to share and hopefully I will be able to reach out to the whole world.

I’m a producer with no limits, I fuck with all genres that I love and thankfully I am able to create anything that I have love for.

So far I’ve made Hip Hop which is my main genre, R&B, House, Kwaito, Pop, Gospel and Reggae music. All ready to be recorded.

I’m excited to start, it’s been 3 years since I had an exciting activity, I’ve been going through a very lonely experience which helped me find myself.

The studio / venue is the first on my list.

I can’t work from home (where I currently stay) because there is no space and it’s a very big family. No peace.

I can only trust God to make a way for me because I have no options at all, finding a job has become impossible, getting a sponsor for a music business is something I’ve never heard of, famous people just never give a shit, especially if you don’t have thousands of followers and you have never taken a photo with a celebrity.

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